there is hope in the air.

some days i want to give-up. some days i wonder if switching to the nursing school was the right decision. some days i don’t believe that i can achieve. some days i lose sight of what’s in front of me. some days i lack confidence in my abilities. some days i want to run away and be swept away with the wind. ALTHOUGH I KNOW I CAN ACHIEVE AND I KEEP ON GOING EACH DAY TO BUILD STRENGTH AND BELIEF THAT TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER.

i know that i can do everything i want to do, but it doesn’t come easily. i am on the cusp, as of right now, of failing human biology. it isn’t that i’m not trying-i’m actually putting in every effort and all the power i have to dedicate every waking moment to studying biology-so much that my grades in human growth & development are suffering. i was advised to possibly drop the class. after crying and letting out all the stress and anxiety related to it, along with all the negative emotions and thoughts, i built up the stamina to keep going and realize that if i give up then life is just going to get harder along the way.  my biochem professor actually motivated me to keep pushing through when he mentioned something along the lines of: when you live a relatively easy life then things that pose as tough are going to be even harder, but if everything is difficult then when you’re given a challenge it is fairly easy.  this made me think that if i drop the class now, then down the road when things get even harder i’m going to just give it all up and feel that there is nothing that i can do right and that i’m a complete failure which personally is a load of crap, but that is how i know i will feel.  i’m just going to keep pushing through-and worst case scenario: i fail or get a D and have to take it again over the summer, but at least then i know i gave my best effort and just got caught up in not being able to effectively answer the multiple choice question posed not that i didn’t understand the material or not put enough effort into the class. i feel that dropping it now will make me feel like an even bigger failure and it is a repetition of old patterns > when things get hard i just give up (an all or nothing ideology).

i hope every had a wonderful halloween! i actually managed to not acquire any candy!

this goes out to my grandfather whom i miss and am going to visit when i go home for the first time since he died. this plaque states a very truthful statement which i am going to remind myself at all times for myself: i can live an extraordinary life if i challenge myself.

long time no confidence.

well hello fellow friends (if i still have any blogging friends at this day n’ age)-

i’m making a commitment to take a break from school work and write a post at least every other day. i have found myself way caught up in my head and it’s no bueno! i just rant about rando things and my mind races with nonsense-basically ED telling me that i can’t do anything and that i need to stick by his side 24/7 and ISOLATE. yes ladies and gents mariah is an isolative figure now a days-shocker since i was quite the social butterfly.  gosh-my new anxiety strategy is to lock myself in the library or sit by myself and do work. i decided to “splurge” tonight and catch up on the episodes of one tree hill since the season kick-off a month or so ago which was nice-but it was a time where i really should have been studying for my bio lab exam. i want to beat myself up about it and run to the library to just study for another 4 hours but i know that will not be productive considering then i will walk around on 4 hours of sleep but my head it sounds completely logical. i still find myself believing that i can function on 4-6 hours of sleep when i actually legit need a good 10 plus hours of sleep to fully function in a stable mood-so they say it is very bazaar, but hey that’s just how my body operates so let the girl get her sleep.  i’m trying to build my self view back up and feel okay in my body and not try to stay in my head and obsess about everything. my dad and his girlfriend came down to dc to visit me for parents weekend and ummm yeah i was really moody, isolative, and way tired. i haven’t been nourishing my body with all the proper nutrients it needs and eating well-balanced meals which has set me off. i always tell myself that i need to get sleep and eat and exercise to have a legit productive day at the library, but when push comes to shove and it’s crunch time i literally ‘freeze’ and don’t want to get out of a chair in fear that any minutes spent on those activities is a waste of time meaning that i’m not perfect and a complete failure and am doomed to fail out of school. oh wonderful-thank you ED i can always count on you for full spirit and love and praise. i’m going to dedicate my time this weekend while i’m in florida to getting my life in order by taking some time to rest, catch some rays, and make a plan for each day and have a structured schedule. i was thinking back to the treatment days while i was straightening my hair for the first time while i’ve been at school and how everything was always planned out (like army training aka boot camp in a sense). i was thinking about how i used to straighten my hair everyday in treatment and how i had to look tip-top and all put together as my coping mechanism to show that if i looked fine from the outside then my life was manageable and i never had to do any self-reflecting. i used this as an anxiety decreaser which now still carries out but in a way more intensified workaholic way.  it has always been this way since way back in the day-probably from all the external pressure that was put on me by the fam and now i internally put a TON of pressure on myself to achieve. if i don’t get an A that means that i’m a failure-i rate myself based on grades, just like how teachers rate me (on my work not on my self attributes-that’s the mixed up part).  i would rather take a pass/fail then get a C, and here comes the all or nothing thinking. gotta love that-sike. oh boy, well i have been thinking a lot about my life back at school for almost 2 months now and how there must be more to this than just doing work all the time because isolating isn’t fun at all i’ve come to see. not being able to spend time with my dad and his girlfriend was just lame-people actually have to convince me to leave the house. i have this serious fear now of the outside world and would rather stay inside with myself because i fear people rejecting me and when i say one thing that i don’t think is “perfectly phrased” then i completely bug out and get down on myself and wig out in fear of rejection. i mean what is going on—-this is NOT me!!! i honestly don’t know where this new social anxiety is coming from-it’s very strange and it needs to go away, but it won’t go away by locking myself up in the house more that’s for sure! i have been going out though every other weekend which has been good to get out with friends, but still people actually have to pull me out of the house-literally people show up and tell me i’m going out-usually i’m the one doing that-mmmm i really need to get on this and get more lively. i’m just down in this slump after hannah died my work forever changed. when i’m at home it’s all happy and joyous and praising her life-at school i would rather be a depressed blob than do anything productive toward keeping sane and healthy. i have quit smoking though-that’s a bonus after my little summer 3 month relapse on the nicotine front. thank god that stopped, considering my bio professor talks about it in every lecture about 5 times and all the damage it does to the body. good lord-i could write a book about how bad smoking is. it’s funny because now whenever i smell smoke i want to puke and i can’t stand the smell, but when i was smoking i NEVER could smell it on me or anywhere else as strong as i smell it now. i feel like my mom now with the sensitive tobacco smoke nose-it’s really funny because i never understood it before but now it’s so clear how distinct the smell is and how potent and strong. my body is so loving being free of all those toxins-now just gotta work on the other healthy nourishment and i’ll be good to go! i have found some good energy, body cleansing drink though-hot off the shelves and new on the market-pic this baby up!

and some of the ripped kids jeans that i waved goodbye to.

hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! xoxo mc

i’m still alive.

hey all,

Sorry for my absence.  After my philosophy class ended I went home for the remainder of the summer, until fall semester started.  A few days before I left to head home my friend and distant relative died.  It was the hardest thing I’ve gone through.  

During human bio yesterday, my professor was talking about a car accident when the driver wasn’t wearing their seat belt.  He related this to bio by how after a high impact crash their organs compress against one another and they can no longer function, causing sudden death.  I found myself starting to tear up and I began to lose concentration.  I was in a high anxiety state for the rest of the day.  I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so frantic for the rest of the day.  I then gave myself permission to feel my emotions and realize that this death will impact my life forever.  My mom said that after someone close dies it takes about 2 years to move on, and there will be “triggers” that will cause you to suddenly think about the person.  

I have realized that there won’t be a sudden way for me to move on and not forget about this tragety, but it has changed my life dramatically.  I have realized that life is way too short and to stay in problems and obsess/wallow in them.  I have decreased my therapy sessions, to every few weeks, and I’ve taken a new stance.  

I just started nursing school, after switching out of the business school, and it have given me a sense of identity FINALLY!  I don’t classify myself by my problems and diagnoses anymore.  My goal is to be a nurse and connect with patients on an emotional level.  As well, to give patients the best care, just like nurses throughout my treatment in “rehab facilities” and hospitals gave me.  I’m working very hard to obtain this goal-it’s a lot of work, but I’m willing to put in the effort to accomplish my dreams and to stay focused on what’s in front of me instead of what’s around me that might be causing me distress.  I was always told that nursing students really had a lack of an outside life and I laughed-it really isn’t so funny anymore though because I see what they mean by that.  Although it’s okay since I am very motivated and have my head on straight to move forward with my life and leave my past in the past.  I cannot forget about my life experiences, but I don’t have to stay stuck in them and feel that they are who I will be for the rest of my life.  It is breaking this vicious cycle that will help me accomplish this and move forward with my life.

I would like for everyone to take a moment to reflect back on 9-11 today and celebrate the life we have been given, and look at the opportunities that are presented before us.  As my mom says, God takes the ones that are so special and amazing at young ages because he wants them for himself.  This concept might seem selfish, but it allows us to appreciate life more and give us strength to move on.

here are some inspirational things:

and the amazing japanese soda my sister and I bought at home… hadn’t had one of these thangggs in years!!! I was sooo excited! You have to push the marble into the glass to release the pressure so it turns into the soda!  Even as I grow older I still love the excitement of this treat!

a loverly night at the library:

Well my friends tonight I ventured to the ugliest building on the Georgetown University campus, I mean the library.  I have not been here at night since the spring semester.  I come here before class during the day, but I forgot how much I get done here instead of at the house.  I find myself way too distracted and unmotivated when I’m in an environment where I tend to relax in.  During the year being in my dorm room and trying to do work was pointless, it just wasn’t going to get done because I would find myself laying in bed.  This summer I thought since there was a legit working space in my room (since I have the top floor which is a big room with separate closet space and bathroom and section that separates the bed area and the desk area with furniture).  NOPE!  Not going to happen because my bed is right there.  My body puts me right in the bed where I think while I’m laying down I’ll just read and when I need to write/type paper related things or take notes on what I’m reading I’ll just sit up.  HAHAHA what a joke- not going to happen.  I end up just taking more “study breaks” that end up being full episodes of CSI: Las Vegas and going on facebook.  I knew I had a lot of work to do today so I came to the library, after making some dinner and taking it with me, with a roommate who is taking a summer class also.  WOW- what a difference.  I’m on a roll with my work.  Already starting my essay outline and staying focused.  We are taking some “study breaks” which my learning disabilities counselor said is okay and I shouldn’t feel that I need to keep working for hours on end.  She informed me that no one can do that, and that taking a short break is healthy and helps the mind decompress after rapidly firing neurons while intensely studying.  This break allows the mind to take a rest and then can “reboot” to allow you to keep focused once again instead of crashing after working for hours without a break.  I’m finding it very helpful and it’s hard, but I’m fighting against the negative thoughts that follow:

Taking a break from doing school work means you aren’t trying hard enough and you’re weak.  And if you take a break it must be walking around or going up and down the stairs in the library pretending like you are going to visit a friend and socialize so you aren’t perceived as being anti-social.  But you will not be doing any socializing because when you engage in such an activity that means you are not sticking with me (ED- your best and only true friend).  Since socializing isn’t allowed and the only mindless break that is allowed is some form of full body movement then if you aren’t doing work all the time that means you’re not doing your job which is to be a student.  And if you’re not being a “true” student (meaning you don’t have a social life) then you won’t get the grade you want and therefore you are worthless since your grade in class reflects the grade I (ED) will give to you for following my orders.

…and this ladies and gentlemen is my disease (ED) who thinks that following his orders are mindless breaks—HAHAHAHA what a laugh.  ED head is the thing that diverts my attention away from doing my work because if I’m doing my work and tuning ED out he gets mad and then tells me that I’m not doing good enough and he needs more attention so he screams LOUDER and LOUDER and LOUDER and LOUDER until I find myself following his orders and moving my body to burn calories.  ED doesn’t like when I’m at the library because then I cannot exercise my legs while I’m reading so he will sometimes make me hold my legs up under the desk for endless minutes until I am restored to sanity and shut him up.  And so the process once again begins… Tonight my friend and I got coffee from the machine in the library, since the coffee shop on the 2nd floor is closed during the summer (such a bummmmer and everyone misses it so dearly during the summer- but they probably figure that since campus isn’t filled with students during the summer since there are so many conventions and high-school student programs that don’t require people to be in the library it would cost them more to keep it open since students are typically taking one class and working so they don’t spend much time in the library like during the school year when it’s packed!).  So basically the point of getting the coffee from the vending machine “thingy-mo-gigger” (I don’t know what they call it because when I think of a vending machine I think of soda and snacks not coffee being made in front of you! haha hmm maybe there is another name for it) ahhh again another tangent- so my friend ordered her’s first and got regular coffee with sugar and cream.  Well take a guess- yes ED crept in there and was rooting for me to get the black plain coffee.  But I challenged him because her’s looked so good.  I pushed the same buttons and got the same!  Well ED was rather pissed off as you can imagine, but I fought threw it and just enjoyed the damn thing!  It was spectacular, considering it was made by a machine!  I mean it kind of tasted like watered down coffee (if even coffee at all ha), dairy product (milk or cream?), and sugar… but whatever the portions of it all were it was a yummy treat in this freezing library… I think the only place in DC that I’m not sweating at!

NOTE: I AM NOT SCHIZOPHRENIC!!! (even though some might beg to differ hahaha)

Well here goes some pics…

This would be my new summer salad obsession.

ingredients:

smashed/cut avocado, shredded carrots, spinach leaves, few sprinkles of granola with nuts and dried fruit, alfalfa sprouts, slices of smoked salmon, and balsamic vinegar a top!

food groups covered: lipids, protein, vegetables, fruit, and carbs (pretty much all of them- except dairy… you could sprinkle some cheese on top if you desire- maybe some feta would be nice!) and it also satisfies the salty and sweet pallet of taste buds I have!

So I just took a little break from studying, now I need to get back in mode to do more work and be productive.  I always find it hard to come to the library alone when I’m not living right near the library (either in reynolds or next year on prospect right near it) when I’m living off-campus in a summer sublet I tend to stay at home and isolate (and ED is very happy with that) so I’m really happy my roommate and I finally made it a plan to come to the library and get some work done- hopefully we’ll come back tomorrow night and tuesday night before my essay is due on thursday!  That’s my goal!  Hope everyone is having a loverly evening.  Tomorrow I will share about the Paul McCartney concert I went to last night which was in one word AMAZING!!!  So for now toodles!

the tranquility in between the city.

So two weekends ago my dad and I went kayaking down on the Potomac river and rented from Jack’s.  It was FANTABULOUS.  My dad had mentioned the scenery and how it’s amazing to find something this beautiful in the middle of a city.  He was surely right!  Just being out on the water and looking up at the Georgetown buildings to one side and straight ahead at the washington monument and the combustion of the city and then to the other side the skyscrapers in Roslyn and then behind us endless mountains and green forest trees… come on does this happen everywhere? NO!  Here are some pics from our journey down the Potomac on kayaks…

back shot of dad

check out the scenery!

dad with Georgetown U. buildings in the background.

What a wonderful trip down the river!  I am so happy when I’m outdoors.  I think in my head that staying inside with myself is so much better because then I don’t risk wondering if people are looking at me and thinking that I’m gasp “fat.”  I talked with my therapist yesterday about this and I wish I just didn’t think I was.  Ever since 3rd grade the ideas sprung and they’ve held strong since.  I wish I didn’t have such a distorted view of myself and I wish that I could just accept my body for what it is.  I wore a more fitted shirt yesterday and was sooooo not going to, but pushed through the day and tried to let it just be.  I wanted to hide in a nice big flowy shirt, but I know I have to ‘break the cycle.’  Things won’t just happen all at once… I ALSO ate out!  I ate at the restaurant on campus and picked food from the buffet line and got mozzarella and tomatoes OH WOW what a challenge that was!!! First I ate out in public and just read my book for class and tried not to think about what everyone else was thinking.  I sat with myself and ate the meal which was SUPER hard.  I couldn’t believe that I accepted eating the mozzarella with the dressing that was on it.  I didn’t finish it all, but I ate most of it and was WAY proud of myself!  I have lately been sticking with foods that are comfortable and making all my meals at home because then I know what’s in it.  I’m trying to get out of this habit and not only go out and eat sushi just because I know what’s in it too.  I’m trying to broaden my horizon of restaurant meal options because when school starts I want to eat out with friends and we’re not going to go to Bangkok Bistro every weekend so I can get sushi.  I’m trying to END THIS CYCLE of ED behaviors and rituals.  I went for a night run last night and it was quite loverly!  Not humid and nasty out just perfect and it helped me to relax before bed… BONUS!  Alrighty all you bloggers I gotta get going to the library to do some reading before I outline my presentation for class tomorrow… have a wonderful day all! xoxo mc

i am a human animal. alive at last.

Well good afternoon/evening all!  Wow this day has flown right on by!  I have been doing some reading for philosophy class and had to take a break to watch ‘twelfth night: or what you will’ and write a post.  I’m very fascinated by old time living.  I remember watching ‘taming of the shrew’ (old classic) and ‘10 things I hate about you’ (new urban remake) and noticing that a lot of our movies main plot can be correlated to old classics.  This realization amazed me at the time, I thought that our generation had all the new concepts and “the olden days” were all perfect and happy and nothing was extravagant.  But this is not so!  I like being reminded that people can push forward in times of struggle because the other side is much “greener,” and we can feel the temporary discomfort because it will pass. 

Yesterday I went to the Nationals stadium for the first time.  It’s pretty new, clean, and reminded me of the Staten Island Yankee stadium a lot.  Here is a shot of the park:

and here it is after it started raining and lightening…

zoomed in so you can see the men in the ponchos!

We weren’t able to see the game because the likely hood of them playing latter looked pretty slim, but my roommate informed me, this morning, that they did end up playing.  They probably didn’t play until around 10:30pm or maybe they played right after we left haha probably!  I enjoyed the day yesterday and just let life happen.  Not too worried about everything else that was going on in my life- trying to stay in the moment and enjoying what was going on around me.  Life is pretty damn good- even more so when I engage in my social life and don’t isolate!  And I’m glad I ventured out more into DC because I tend to just stay in the NW area right around wisco. ave. and towns directly surrounding Georgetown.  And when I venture into other areas I feel less confined and claustrophobic (which happens to me in cities) too!

I’m having a hard time sleeping lately.  The doctor did inform me the lamictol can cause sleep disturbance so we’ll see if it’s worth it.  Me not being able to fall asleep until 3am or so is not good because then I end up sleeping until noon and it doesn’t turn into a productive day then. ehhh.  I did do some cleaning today in the kitchen because the garbage can was starting to smell bad.  We keep putting the baking soda with air freshener in it, but after a while I think it just needs to be washed out.  I feel better when I get things done, as simple as that, because then I don’t obsess about it later on and how I should do it.  Just getting it done lessens the obsessing!

where there’s hope there’s life.

“Keep as close as you can to the Higher Power.  Try to think, act, and live as though you were always in God’s presence.  Keeping close to a Power greater than yourself is the solution to most of the earth’s problems.  Try to practice the presence of God in the things you think and do.  That is the secret of personal power.  It is the thing which influences the lives of others for good.  Abide in the Lord and rejoice in His love.  Keep close to the Divine Spirit in the universe.  Keep God close behind your thoughts.”

-july 24th reading from: twenty-four hours a day- (meditation book)

Well that right there is what needs to be put in all my actions!  I am a child of hope, wisdom, and strength and I need to recognize that each day I’m given another chance at life.  I am adjusting to the medication switch (onto lamictol) which has helped me to balance my moods better.  They still shift from day to day and during the day, but the daily cycling isn’t as intense as it was before.  Fingers crossed that the lamictol works!  I took it in high school, but they believed it didn’t work because I never got to fully absorb it because it wasn’t in my stomach long enough since I was purging and using laxatives at the time (great side effect from ED: no medication absorption- well that defeats the purpose!! more incentive to stay on track!).  Well I decided it was a cleaning day today… end of the week time to pick up the room so I don’t have to deal with it while I’m doing school work.  I used bleach in the bathroom and I think I need to air out the room because my eyes are starting to tear from the intense fumes! no bueno!!  I took a lovely stroll around town and did errands that were way past due, still need to do more, but they don’t all have to get done today!! moderation and balance I keep telling myself I don’t have to be God and create miracles today! 

As the meditation basically said: mindfulness… I’ve been working on that A LOT-esp. since I stopped taking as much lexapro my anxiety has been pretty high and when my anxiety rises the OCD starts stirring!!  I took a moment away from school work and the chaos of life to catch up on some of the president’s health care speeches.  I felt so disconnected with everything that’s going on in the world, but I’m getting more in touch with reality.  I never was one to watch the news or such tv programs my theory was as follows: I go to school to learn and that takes up way too much of my attention span why would I watch educational programs on tv- that’s just torture.  Yeah I felt that my social life was way more important well now that’s backfiring on me because everyone in DC is integrated on world events and keeping current with everything… unlike me.  But hey it’s never too late to catch up so I’ve added a new structure to my day: watching the evening news. 

I’m working with my therapist and psychiatrist to set-up structured days because I find that when I’m not in a ‘routine’ then I’m just all over the place.  I’m going to be mapping out the next day the night before and have meals set-up, outings with friends, study time, classes, volunteer work, etc. all laid out to keep me busy.  When I’m busy I get more done- when I have a lot of free time on my hands I tend to sit around and do nothing… it’s weird how that works!  Well today I got to whole foods and checked out all their gluten-free products and was in heavennnnn!  I got to make some stir-fry tonight with some tempeah, rice noodles, vegetables, jasmine rice, and indian curry simmer sauce- it was delectable! check it out…

those would be the trader joe’s sweet finds that were used and the rest was from whole foods.

I’m finding that cooking my meals is so exciting and enjoyable!  I have a new found love for baking!

well well well… check me out.

Well after some serious contemplating about my situation in AA, I have come to grasp the fact that even if I don’t believe I’m an alcoholic or an addict I am severely powerless over my eating disorder.  Even though I don’t have the craving phenomena that everyone refers to and I tried to mold my story to fit other people’s so that I felt a sense of belonging to the point where my story was exaggerated beyond my comprehension making me completely dishonest and seeing that my step work was a bunch of bullshit has put my life in perspective.  I know I am powerless over my eating disorder because I get in this ‘zone’ where it’s almost an unconscious thing where I’ll be eating and not even realize I’m eating or that I found myself at the grocery store not even knowing I was buying food for a binge (doing my normal shopping but putting in foods that I don’t normally eat the normal binge foods: high sugar and carb concentrated) and get home and realize oh shit what did I buy and then ‘justify’ that it can’t go to waste so I better eat it all and then find myself purging… that my friends is insanity and is a true act of powerless-ness!  Even if I don’t believe that I belong in AA the fact is that I’m spiritually connected to my HP and I have sanity, values, and morals which I never had before.  It’s just now that I have switched to NA and have realized that my step work from AA is complete and utter BS and I have not been true to myself and looking at what it is in my life that makes me act out on my eating disorder and do anything (including hurting other people- not physically, you know what I mean) just to lose weight… is it really worth it?  Is that what life is about being the skinniest person out there, I mean whether I’m wearing kids clothes or adult clothes I’m still miserable inside and not loving myself so bottom line is the eating disorder obsessions have to go.  I gave up the bulimia 4 months ago and wow my life has turned a corner… IT’S FREAKING MANAGEABLE- hmmm imagine that!  Now I’m being honest and looking at my life and everything that has gone on, and maybe I’m not an alcoholic or a drug addict, but the thing that holds true is I have a “food addiction” and that still gives me no right to treat people the way I did.  I might have addictive behaviors and tendencies maybe not directed at alcohol, but that’s not to say that the alcohol and drugs made my life peachy-keene they deff. added fuel to the fire.  The drugs kept me from not eating and the alcohol made me be able to binge more and purge faster… that my friends is disgusting and is not healthy by any measure.  These realizations are so unbelievably hard for me to own up to and look at but getting it out there makes it so much easier because what I have found with blogging is it’s pretty much a judgement free zone and I find that in any ‘anonymous’ program there is mucho judgement and separating yourself from that is key, but it’s very hard at times.  Thank god I have found some super supportive people who haven’t let me go and have worked through my thoughts with me and have NOT judged me they have given me only support, love, and comfort and for that I’m grateful!  And tonight I added some extra toppings to my desert because I felt I should be able to enjoy my food more… little granola and peanut butter to spice it up!

NEW FIND!!! and I’m so loving it!! trader joe’s froyo … tart n’ tangy style!

*good source of dairy and protein!

*with the granola and PB we got some carbs, lipids, and more protein horrayy!

who am i?

who am i now?

While I was in treatment everyone seemed to label me as all these disorders, problems, etc. it’s only now that I’m figuring out who Mariah is.  I’m realizing that people were telling me I was this that and such a thing and after day after day of reenforcement of such I started to mold my “old” life around these symptoms of conditions that pose as a problem.  It’s so easy for someone else to diagnose me as something and after spending time with people in AA I have realized that you can convince anyone that they have a problem by diverting your attention away from yourself and putting it on someone else and obsessing about their life and everything that’s wrong in it.  I have now learned FUCK THE LABELS I am not these things I am Mariah and that is who I am so people can like me for being ME and stop putting labels on me because I’m the only one who can dictate what my problems are.  It’s very easy for me to mold my life and exaggerate it into this big problem to make it look like I belong when in fact I’m living a life that is totally not me.  I am in recovery and for now that is my story.  No one needs to get involved in my life and try to tell me what it is I should and shouldn’t be doing because right there they are not focusing on them self and trying to put their problems onto me.  I am the only judge of what treatment is appropriate for me and what my needs are in order for me to stay healthy, happy, and alive.  The thing I love is people sharing their experiences and showing me there is hope and joy and everyone who comments I love hearing from you all!!! I don’t like when people tell me what they think my problem is because well hell do I go around diagnosing people with things no because the last time I checked I wasn’t god.  wow sorry for that rant but it’s been building up and I thought others could possibly relate… especially if you’ve gone down the treatment route!

here is a website that brought me some humor:

http://dcist.com/2007/06/overheard_in_dc_5.php

proceed with caution and remove all toxic people from your surroundings.

and eat flax chips because they will make your digestive system happy!

*good source of fiber in these gluten free carbs!

*they have a nice spice to them and if you dip them in fage greek yogurt it’s like sour cream and tortilla chips — go mexican style and get some more protein!

and meditate to keep sane!

happy monday! xo mc

hOpe flOats, just let it gO…

Yesterday I was given a chance to share my experience, strength, and hope at an adolescent treatment facility.  What a privilege it is to be a sober member of society.  I realized, after the meeting that carrying the message of ‘hope’ helps me stay on the path of recovery and ensure that I stay well to give others encouragement that they can soon find hope as well.  Even if I touched one person, or none at that, knowing that my story might help someone at that moment or at a later point in their life sitting in a situation that was very familiar to me a few years ago gives me stamina to keep myself healthy, happy, and hopeful.  I was taken back to a state where a saw girls acting out for attention by being noncompliant and well hell that surely sums up my experience in treatment.  I didn’t trust anyone, I thought I knew what was best for me and I’m here to prove that that thinking is what got me into treatment in the first place!  After giving up the power, and fighting till the very end when I left the halfway house and started on my own in DC, I started to realize this whole higher power thing and how it might benefit me to stop controlling every situation because in the past that’s what got me into trouble.  It was only when I was presented with life and had to find a means of surviving on my own, that I realized that if I didn’t reach out and ask for help then I surely was going to stay stuck in a vegetative state in a state psych hospital for sure.  

I started out with “spirituality for dummies” (umm yes there is such a book) and through working with a sponsor and other sober members I have gained perspective on my higher power and that there is in fact a power greater than me who can keep me at ease- that’s if I believe.  My main point is that even if today I don’t believe that things are going the way they should, even if I have hope that in the future they will get better, and I’m taking action and steps to maintaining my presence in recovery, then things will start to look up eventually.  Just by having hope that things have a way of working out my anxiety and obsessions are decreased NOT diminished!  I just got done writing a paper that I put my father though hell with, and I’m so grateful that he was able to critique it and give me feedback.  Even when he would say comments I didn’t seem to like and started to get reactive I could take a step back and realize that he was right.  Usually things I don’t want to hear are the truth and it’s hard for me to look at myself and what my faults are and that I don’t have enough confidence in myself.  Example: after turning in the paper today I let my mind go riot at the end of class freaking out that I’m going to fail the class and that everything is going to fall apart and there is no way I wrote the paper right and and and and….mind STOP and halt right there!  WOW that’s a lot of obsessing that will drive me mad and keep me isolated all weekend thinking about the ‘what if-s’ which I cannot change.  It’s breaking the cycle and retraining my mind to not think in a negative manor; instead of obsessing about it all I have to replace the degrading thoughts with a positive refute.  I have no control over the grade I get, the most important thing is that I have it my all, I didn’t act out on my eating disorder or use substances, I didn’t verbally abuse anyone during the process, and I’m still living!  All I can control is my reaction to the situation and my mind like to obsess about it until I’ve beaten myself up enough that I pick myself back up and start all over again; it’s breaking that cycle- the hardest thing yet to come.  Turning everything over, that is out of my power to control, to the HP helps give me strength and courage to go on another day.  Right now I’m in a state of discomfort, as I’m still coping with life on a lower dose of lexapro, which I have faith that I will find peace and serenity one moment at a time because ‘this too shall pass!’  I know it will pass and the anxiety will level off because after detox, when the klonopin and other meds were gone, I was a ball of anxiety reaching for the next vistaril to calm my nerves.  Slowly I managed to cope with life and didn’t need the vistaril anymore and the excitement in my eyes when I noticed I wasn’t asking for a PRN anymore was pure joy.  The first time I realized I don’t need these medications to continue living- look at me I can do this on my own.  The confidence that is gained after accomplishing something that is ‘tough’ is so rewarding in the end.  As Laura at Inner Harbor would tell me: “temporary discomfort for the rewards of a better life” and well hell SHE WAS RIGHT… imagine that!  What a relief it was to be able to leave the facility and know that I could go on with my life and I was one of “them” (one who posed as a threat to me in treatment because they were doing what they were supposed to be doing and I was jealous and wanted it and the only way I knew how to act out my emotions was to get negative attention).  I walked out of there with confidence in myself and my program of recovery and damn it felt way better than acting out in a harmful manner to only gain “consequences” as a limit to setting my behavior straight which in turn made me rebel even more.  I love my life and knowing that the girls asked questions and wanted to know more made feel good about myself because at no time during my self-induced-chaotic-life was there a time when anyone wanted what I had.  Knowing that I can spread the message of hope and living a positive life is an amazing feeling! 

and with that I share with you…

even on the cloudy days GOD is there to shed light and hope!